Peace in the Holidays

When we are little, all we can think about is what we're going to ask everyone for and what we will get. At some point, when you grow up you are expected to do for everyone else and think about THEIR needs. When you have a family of your own, you now have to worry about your kids, your spouse, their siblings and kids and your own extended family. As I get older I feel more and more responsibility and pressure to get gifts for everyone I know. And not just a gift, the RIGHT gift, the best gift, the most thoughtful gift. This gets harder and harder as most people get older, they have more money and are able to get the things they want themselves. Myself included. So really have a short list of things I want for Christmas (most of them needs that I would have bought myself had it not been the season) and my list for others is even shorter. Last year I bought ornaments that were actually a receipt for the purchase of a tree planted in that person's name. This year, I'm trying to find people's favorite restaurants and get everyone gift certs to eat out. Eating out has always been a luxury for me, more by choice than anything else. I know I can cook a meal for our family of 3-5 for around $10. There is no way we can eat out for anything under $50. So it just doesn't make sense. Same with going to the movies. Because of my frugalness, practicalness or just being insane - we don't eat out or go to the movies a lot. But it is fun and I am more likely to do so if given as a gift. So, that said, that's what most of the people I'm buying for this year are getting.

Aaron and I got out all the Xmas stuff 2 weeks ago and we even put lights up on the outside of the house, something I've always wanted to do. Growing up, we lived on 10 acres so it was silly (according to my Mom) to put lights on the outside of the house that we couldn't enjoy. But now that I live in a subdivision, I enjoy seeing everyone's lights and feel compelled to do my part and hang some. So we did. The tree went up that day and stood bare until last weekend when Dave put the lights on. Monday night, we each chose ornaments that were special and put them on the tree. Over the years, the kids ornaments have grown and there is quite the selection to choose from. Dave's Mom also purchases ornaments for everyone each year, so those are always fun to get out. I write on them each year so someday when the kids are ready for their own tree, they can take all their ornaments and we'll actually remember who's is who's and what year they were given.

In October, when I went to CA for my great Uncle's funeral, I was given all of my grandmother's pictures to scan for a scrapbook I am working on for her. This included pictures of her and my grandfather when they were younger and of course pictures of all 3 of their kids and the 6 grandkids and 3 great grand-kids. 3 days after I finished scanning all those pictures, my Mom sent to boxes (about 40 lbs) of all of her pictures. It was been a lot of fun going through the pictures seeing some that I never knew were even taken. Mom has always had really good intentions and has loved to take pictures, but when it came to sharing them, she sometimes fell short, but I have them all now. Along with that are pictures of my step-dad Leo who passed away in Nov of 2003. It has been very sad looking at pictures of him, always happy, always working and building something. The fact that my he and my Mom met in the Bay Area in 1973 and bought property and moved away from everything and built a house and started a farm is even more amazing to me as an adult than it was living it as a kid. I thought they were crazy then, I think they were amazing, brave, creative and strong now. I miss Leo very much and feel bad that I don't think he knew how much he impacted who I am today. We never had a very good relationship and I feel like I never gave him the credit he deserved. I never appreciated the role as a step-parent until I become one myself a few years ago. It's the toughest job I've ever had, even harder than being a single parent, alone. Leo did the best he could and I was always giving him a hard time - which he didn't deserve. He was amazing with my son and that is probably what I am saddened most by - Aaron will never learn from him and know him the way that I did. One of the pictures was of me changing my oil in my first car. Leo believed that if you were going to drive, you should know how to take care of your car. So there I am, 16 years old, hair done, makeup on wearing a "zumie" suit that he must have brought home from working at Rancho Seco and changing the oil. And there must have been Mom taking a picture. Had it not been for that picture, I wouldn't have remembered doing it, or remembered that it must have been fun. I have in fact, complained about the fact that he made me change my own oil. But how many women know how? Shoot, how many men know how? It's a life skill I will always have (if I need it!). You never know, I may move away from the city someday and start a farm. Happy Holidays and God bless.

Why am I Here?

Well, the post Christmas depression set in last night. I'm not sure if it's just a sugar low but I sure felt bad. Aaron leaves in 4 days and I can't believe it. He's been with me emotionally for years before I got pregnant and from the moment I conceived with me physically. He'll be 12 in March, so that's a good long time. A lot of those years it was just him and I. His Dad hasn't spent more than a few days with him in over 10 years and I can't imagine how different his life is going to be after Saturday.

So last night I took a bath and tried to cheer myself up by doing some retail therapy and buying some stuff with Christmas checks. Then I talked with my girlfriend Wendy on the phone for quite some time. All the while, Aaron was at friends house playing a new video game that was received for Christmas. I guess I don't blame him for wanting to have fun and not be bothered by stupid things like chores around our house, I just thought he might want to spend some time with me before he left. I also usually forget he's a child and doesn't have adult emotions. Darn.

After I got off the phone and Aaron got home, I read and listened to a podcast for a bit. One of the things I heard was we are all here for a purpose. God has plans for each and every one of us. Well, what's my purpose? I always thought it was to be a mother. I suck at relationships and haven't been a very good daughter and I'm too closed off to be anyone's good friend, so what else is there? When I started podcasting, I thought, ah, this is it. This is my "purpose". But the newness wore off and it became frustrating as I tried to do more complicated things. I still enjoy it, but with Aaron moving away, it takes away a lot of the enjoyment out of it as it was something we did together. I'm still hoping to have him call in and us record using TalkShoe, but that involves a whole other level of technicality. Our most recent episode, I used a single headphone and the volume was so quiet, I had to enlist the help of one of my favorite podcasters Trucker Tom to help me figure out how to get the volume up. I've got all kinds of content, but the technical stuff stumps me. And that's what I do for a living! So what the heck am I here for? What good to I provide the world? I recycle and try to be friendly to the environment but that's about it. I attend church sporadically and don't have enough backbone to speak my mind about my religious beliefs to other people who believe differently or not at all.

So, I don't know. What's your purpose?

Posting Shayna.Minti.com in my blog so this can be feed to their site.

Santa Was Very Good to Me!

Here it is, Christmas day afternoon. The kids have all disappeared with their goodies and Dave is watching football. I turn to electronics as I sip a Fat Tire and prepare taco meat for Dave's birthday dinner.

Santa brought me 3 GREAT gifts from my Froogle wish list. Very cool. I got the memory card for the Blackberry Pearl that I bought myself for Christmas a few weeks ago. Now I can put MP3's and more pictures and video than I can stand on there. Also, it allows me to take 200+ pictures with the built in camera, instead of the 77 the 20mg on board card allows. I can also use it like a thumb drive for moving data around as I do with my ipod. Now I just need the cool Bluetooth headphones Dan sent me on Friday that will allow the Pearl's headset jack to be stereo on nice wireless headphones that you can talk on the phone with also. No more pausing the Ipod to answer the phone if it's all in one. I also got a heating blanket that's low wattage and supposedly not bad for you. Also, the coolest bedrest with a light, heater and massager and cup holder. Sweeet! Dave's mom got me the cutest doggie purse, I can hardly wait to take it to work tomorrow, it looks so real! Bobbi got me a beautiful pink columbia jacket. I wear the dark pink vest she got me almost constantly, but sometimes a girl needs arms :) Dan got me a leatherman, so I don't have to borrow his and Dave's all the time. Aaron promptly read the directions and quizzed me on how to use it. I guess without him around I should learn to fend for myself mechanically :( My friend Heather also got me a cool Fiskar's cutting system for scrapbooking and some cool toys for the girls.

Aaron got a skateboard, some games, a cool tool set and cash. Matt got money, Jeff got all Wii and DS stuff, Dave got a lot of food and gift certs and some wine and the girls got some new toys and treats and a new toy box.

The festivities started on Friday when the girls and I exchanged gifts at work. That was fun. Then the Mad Dogs in the afternoon. Saturday I was pretty sick and just stayed in my jammies and tried to rest up for the next two days. Sunday we all went to brunch at Dave's sisters and ate and talked. Sunday night we went to Bobbi's for an excellent lamb dinner, fancy stuffing and rice and a really good salad. I topped it off with too much toffee cuz boy did I have a stomach ache after all that! Today we did the stockings, waited for Matt to get up and come over and then opened gifts. It's been a nice quiet day.

I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I originally had the day off as Aaron was supposed to leave for his Dad's but now that's been postponed until Saturday the 30th.

My friend Cheryl's cute little Bentley is doing much better after his scare earlier this week where he had to be rushed to the vets because of low blood sugar. Chloe is still not eating as usual, but today she is off the 2nd pain med and is definitely acting more lively and not whining nearly as much. Now it's just been she's being a baby or wants something, not for pain, LOL

To all a Happy Holiday!

Can't Get Past the Header Image

So here I am, trying to setup a blog on my favorite site - Podshow. I have a MySpace and Facebook and a personal website, but I love how Podshow makes everything simple. Except for how to make the header image look right. They give dimensions and I've gotten close to it and my image still looks scrunched. So instead of obsessing on that the rest of the afternoon, I thought I'd go ahead and post and get on with what I set out to do.

Growing up on 10 acres, when we finally got electricity I ask for a Commodore 64 for a gift. Who knows what started my geekiness, but even back then, I wanted a computer. For each holiday after I got the computer, I asked for different components. I was so excited when I got the 5.25" floppy drive so I could save my work. By 10 years old, I was keeping an electronic diary. I always hated writing because my mind goes so fast, that only my fingers on the keyboard come close to keeping up. I wish I still had that old media so I could read what I was thinking, but at some point over the moves in early adulthood, they are gone.
Today, I have a podcast with my 11 year old son Aaron. We started it this summer and though we only have 9 episodes out to date, it's been a lot of fun. I started listening to podcasts in the summer of 2005 and for Christmas that year, I got a video Ipod which I don't think has ever left my side since. I don't do much on the forums, I occasionally email a few podcasters and I've gotten on TalkShoe a few times but I really would like some way to communicate with others who are interested in knowing what's going on with me besides the mass emails that I do when I have big news.

For those who know me, know I hate to use the phone. I've had heavy phone usage jobs for the past 20 years and I think I've just burned out. I love email for communication, so I figure this blog is just the next step. There is a lot going on right now in my life so this is a perfect time to start sharing :) Happy Holidays everyone.

Christmas 2006

This year, Christmas is going down a little differently than years past. Aaron doesn't have a list. He doesn't even want or need anything. So sad that he's so spoiled, but I guess it makes it easier to me. He's getting a plane ticket to his Dad's and some money on his pre-paid spending card for things he decides he wants later. My dogs are getting a new toy box, some toys and treats. They're easy. They love everything, even wrapping paper, ribbons and anything else that makes a nice noise when drug around the house or shredded.

This year, I've tried to focus more on giving to those who are truly less fortunate and being "green". If I have a gift in a brown box, it's getting a pretty ribbon and a name tag. No wrapping paper. The kids will enjoy tearing thru packing tape just as much as flimsy paper and scotch tape I'm quite sure. I've also sponsed a child thru Compassion.com I chose a little girl that share's Aaron's birthday but is 5 years younger. Her name is Nancy and she lives in Mexico. How fun it will be to correspond with someone from another country and I hope to be able to send her gifts in addition to my monthly contribution to her family. I also gave greener gifts. The National Wildlife Org has cool ornaments that when you buy, a tree is planted. The Greater Good Network has several different sites to which your purchases benefit different causes. My favorite is the animal rescue site because they not only have purple paws on most of the products, but they buy food for needy dogs. As I know my animals are the quite possibly the most spoiled in the world, I know they don't mind sharing some of their good life for other doggies in need.

On the personal side, Aaron is going to live with his Dad after Christmas. I've had full custody of him since he was about a year and a half old and this will be quite the change for both of us. He's had a very difficult year and despite all my efforts, his BiPolar and ADHD continue to be more of a challenge than I can handle each day. His Dad is confident he can manage him and perhaps having a male role model / authority figure in his life will be the thing that he's been missing. We've always been together and really close since I've been a single mom most of his life so I'm not quite sure how it's going to be after he goes. My family is not being supportive of my decision, but they are hundreds of miles away and don't know how rough this year has been. I know they mean the best, but it is very hurtful when people that you love and hope to hear supportive things from are only criticial. But, it is what it is.

Since moving out of Dave's house in September, this Christmas has been more of a challenge logistically. I ended up with a tree from Nevada that my friend's boyfriend intended for his daughter but she ended up not needing. It is nice to have a real tree is that is what I grew up having and it's been odd at Dave's for the past 5 years having an artificial. Getting it in the stand was challenging, but it's finally up and has some lights and ornaments on it, so I guess it's good. It will be very sad to put away all the decorations and colorful lights in my newly empier, quiet house after Aaron leaves. My mom always used to leave Christmas stuff up for months afterward and now I understand why. There is just something cheerful and nice about the lights and decorations. I have thought that I may keep the lights up in my bedroom as they work really well as a night light and keep me comforted. Dave's oldest son Matt is home from U of I and his new girlfriend Sandy flies in from her hometown on the 30th. I think they are staying at Dave's so it will be nice to spend some time with her and get to know her a bit. I do know she has dogs, so that's a plus in my book :) Jeff has been vacant since hitting teenagedom last year and hopefully he'll have the Wii out for the families entertainment. I'll take pictures, make more food than anyone can possibly eat and probably overinduldge on goodies.

My heart goes out to the Kim family who recently lost James Kim in Oregon during a drive to visit family over Thanksgiving. The technology community has had an incredible outpouring towards his family and I am saddened each time I think of the story and wonder how a young mother with two small children will get thru this first holiday season with her husband and her kid's father. When my step-dad died 3 years ago, that first holiday was very melancholy and each year around the time of his passing, I am saddened by the thought that he is no longer "there". This is also my grandmother's 2nd Christmas without my grandfather. My Papa was a wonderful man and always had a blow up Santa that he would love to play with us grandkids each year. I love to look at pictures and remember all the good times. I have tons of video tapes that I need to transfer to digital so I can share them with other family members and that is on my things to do this Winter after Aaron leaves. I also hope to take a class at George Fox University. And maybe even join the Liberty Fitness center which is nearly in my front yard. They have a cool massage table that I think might motivate me to go use :)