Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Why am I Here?

Well, the post Christmas depression set in last night. I'm not sure if it's just a sugar low but I sure felt bad. Aaron leaves in 4 days and I can't believe it. He's been with me emotionally for years before I got pregnant and from the moment I conceived with me physically. He'll be 12 in March, so that's a good long time. A lot of those years it was just him and I. His Dad hasn't spent more than a few days with him in over 10 years and I can't imagine how different his life is going to be after Saturday.

So last night I took a bath and tried to cheer myself up by doing some retail therapy and buying some stuff with Christmas checks. Then I talked with my girlfriend Wendy on the phone for quite some time. All the while, Aaron was at friends house playing a new video game that was received for Christmas. I guess I don't blame him for wanting to have fun and not be bothered by stupid things like chores around our house, I just thought he might want to spend some time with me before he left. I also usually forget he's a child and doesn't have adult emotions. Darn.

After I got off the phone and Aaron got home, I read and listened to a podcast for a bit. One of the things I heard was we are all here for a purpose. God has plans for each and every one of us. Well, what's my purpose? I always thought it was to be a mother. I suck at relationships and haven't been a very good daughter and I'm too closed off to be anyone's good friend, so what else is there? When I started podcasting, I thought, ah, this is it. This is my "purpose". But the newness wore off and it became frustrating as I tried to do more complicated things. I still enjoy it, but with Aaron moving away, it takes away a lot of the enjoyment out of it as it was something we did together. I'm still hoping to have him call in and us record using TalkShoe, but that involves a whole other level of technicality. Our most recent episode, I used a single headphone and the volume was so quiet, I had to enlist the help of one of my favorite podcasters Trucker Tom to help me figure out how to get the volume up. I've got all kinds of content, but the technical stuff stumps me. And that's what I do for a living! So what the heck am I here for? What good to I provide the world? I recycle and try to be friendly to the environment but that's about it. I attend church sporadically and don't have enough backbone to speak my mind about my religious beliefs to other people who believe differently or not at all.

So, I don't know. What's your purpose?

Posting in my blog so this can be feed to their site.

1 comment:

Rick said...

Hi Shayna, I don't have that whole purpose thing figured out, but I did want to leave you a note to let you know that your post resonated with me on several levels. Most notably, on the whole kids going back to the other parent thing. Mine went back to their mom's Christmas afternoon, and it was amazing how quiet it was after that. After almost 8 years, I still haven't got used to that.

Nice blog here, I look forward to reading more posts. I'll check out your podcast some time; it looks interesting.